A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
SCARY COSTUME
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?