Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Some people were born into their job.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place