If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project