I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.