Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*