Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina