How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic