No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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Oops
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row