One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.