PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Lmbo
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Velcrow
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want