Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn鈥檛 believe my luck.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
2020: omg we鈥檙e entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I鈥檝e never met a toddler before
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don鈥檛 even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what鈥檚 best for me.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Me: I swear you鈥檒l be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We鈥檒l hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”