At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
You Might Also Like
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
New favorite tiktok
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
bought wrong eggs
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!