[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey