Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married