A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.