I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair