7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows