If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.