Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.