In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.