This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Hey I worked for it too!
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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Expectations vs. Reality
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?