when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying