As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese