Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
You wish you had this many chins.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
good for her
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs