Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing