Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
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My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Nice try, NASA
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?