“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?