I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Pretty much. 🤣
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.