When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.