Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.