Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Good advice.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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