Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!