santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
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I have never related to anyone more.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I just tested negative for patience.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.