The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
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If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.