[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on