Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Remember folks 😂
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000