We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
my name if I was in the mob
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
oh my gosh!!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Meme Monday.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old