The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
You Might Also Like
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Sign of the day..
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot