Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.