*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
🖤✌🏽
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.