I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
This is the one
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.