Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
some Old Testament wisdom
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold