No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.