I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
fly smarter, not harder
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.