WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Confused owl: What?!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”