[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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did it work
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.