(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
You Might Also Like
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
decorating my apartment
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face