What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
There’s always that one guy
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Meme Monday.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!