Halloween cuteness.. 馃巸
馃帴 IG: mr.smokey21
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don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Classic German Shepherd 馃槀
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that鈥檚 a lot of cat gifs.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me, embracing the mess I鈥檝e made of my life
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I would never bite my own toenails. That鈥檚 so disgusting. I only bite other people鈥檚 toenails.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”