Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
This is Sparta
Note to self: always read the final line
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked